thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
