Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
