Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
