just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
