Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
