Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
