Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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