I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
