This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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