spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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