So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
