the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Randomize
