i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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