I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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