I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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