I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
