he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
