Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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