3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
