Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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