I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
