my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
