I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
