Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
what day is it and did you see me today?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
