I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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