if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
