you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
