Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
