I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Terrible idea I love it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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