I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
