I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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