it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
