Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
