I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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