Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
