Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
