Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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