Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
