oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
