Life is so much better after having sex.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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