Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
