Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
