so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
