I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
