i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
