Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
