6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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