she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
