I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They took my balls.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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