i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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