just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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