I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
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