my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
